Living it Out.
 
 
                       Controversial and mind provoking thoughts clouded my mind the whole day. Questions taunted my mind as I fervently asked the Lord for answers. Ministries, studies, friends, relationships, walking with the Lord, these are just to name a few.
 
                       As i sat down and talked to the Lord this morning, i felt a hunger for an experience with the most High. Recent weeks, the Lord has been putting this thought in my mind. Through worship sessions, through sermons, and most recently, using something which i never thought i would see as an example, my younger brother. God was challenging me for something, the question is this: " Have I been a fruitful christian, living a life that is impacting others? What legacy do I wanna leave behind when I leave a campus life? Do I wanna leave with lives touched? Do I wanna leave as people remembering you as Christlike? Do people see Christ in me?"
                         As i sat down pondering this thoughts, a sense of regret and disappointment crept over my mind, as i knew that i'm not even a fraction to what God expected me to be. i know that now is the time for a change. i have no more time for selfish and childish actions and thoughts. and yet, saying it is so much more easier than doing it. Looking around my circle of friends, all i could see is frustration, disappointment, struggles and so on. they put on bold faces, masking their troubles so well. we talk about Friendship series. i need to walk the talk.
 
                           As i talked to a friend after CF meeting, tears of anxiety and frustration streamed down her cheeks, due to her course assignments. oh Lord, how do i comfort a troubled soul? i prayed that the Holy Spirit will come to still troubled waters, and to instill peace to her situation. frustration turned to become my enemy, as i could not think of any ideas to help sooth the pain and anger. i believe that she is not the only one going through trying times, and these are the times when they needed friends the most.
 
                            So many more, so much more thoughts flooded my mind. i noticed that studying in a university, it is tempting that students fall into either situations. Either we let Ministry choke our studies, or we let Studies choke Ministry. That's why some don't attend CF or CG. so how do we face the situation?  i do not really know.
 
                            It is time for me to take my leave. I read in a book today, that for me to grow spiritually i need to commit my time and effort in it. I've decided to do it today. Lord, help me to be an impact to the people around me. Make me a tool to bless others, and bring them closer to you. I wanna leave a legacy of Jesus, a Jesus legacy.

11.43pm

Disappointment and heaviness overwhelms my soul. It’s funny why God created humans with feelings. As I speak now, fatigue has taken over my body, making me vulnerable to sleep and incapable of completing tasks.
Midterms always bring mix feelings. First, you get a feeling of relief from the pressures of the first half of the semester. You go home, eat good, healthy food prepared with love by your family. You cuddle in the comfort and security of your cozy home. Far from troubles, away from fears and unwanted pressures. At the same time, at the back of your mind, comes an inkling feeling that the world would not be so kind on you once you get back to reality. For engineering students, and probably generally most students, midterms mark the start of a hard, difficult 2nd half semester. Having gone through this experience for the last 3 years I’ve been here, I had been preparing myself for the onslaught that’s heading my way no matter how I try to avoid it. It’s here now. The pressures of a student life slowly piles itself again. I find myself slowly hating the things that will take away my study time. More shockingly, sometimes these things are good things. Caring for people, loving one another, takes time and effort. I read from somewhere, our time is our most precious asset. How true it is! To give someone your time, it will mean to give someone a piece of yourself, something which we treasure oh so preciously. Am I to forgo this noble task to fulfill my selfish ambitions? Or am I to forsake my identity as a student, and be a saint in my campus? An obvious answer to be to juggle these two. Yet rarely nowadays do we get to see people successfully achieving this feat. Examples are becoming so rare that could this be one day a myth?
Blogging will end now as previous hanging of my pc has cut off my train of thought.

Cheerios.

My Backyard

It’s amazing how irony takes its toll on one’s live. How funny it would be if one were to would say that Christopher Columbus has sailed across the ocean to discover America, and yet got lost in his backyard. Or even Vasco da Gama, the famous Portuguese explorer, who ventured the globe, might not know what’s happening in his neighborhood.
The same thing happen to me today. Having visited and enjoyed the pleasures of big screens in KL, I can proudly say that I’ve “marked my territory” in many famous cineplexes since I studied in Cyberjaya. GSC, TGV, you name it. The queer thing about it, is that me, a home-grown Kedahan, have not fully explored my backyard, the little town of Alor Setar. There actually is a Cineplex around here, something which I often brushed it away in the pass, thinking that it only films local movies and cheapskate b-grade blockbuster wannabes.
I was dragged from my slumber by my elder sister this, erm, afternoon, asking me to take her to the movies, apparently she was excited about the new movie “Around the World in 80 days”. I scratched my head with my half-lid eyes, asking her “ Are you sure?” I was just gonna brush it off once again, but then seeing that my sis is keen on watching it, I gave in, heave myself out of my shell, took a bath and head for the movies, which is only 5 minutes drive away.
(in Alor Setar, the furthest destination from one place to another is 20 minutes. )
To cut the short story long, :p, here we are, standing in front of the Cineplex. Here is the scene. Imagine a cowboy ghost town, the streets are empty, a few wild horses strolling around, the windows of the shops rattle in tune with the howling wind, a roll of dry hay bounces across you. Okay, okay I’m exaggerating. But it was quite pathetic. Even name is spelled weird. Sineplex AS. The ticket seller happens to be the same person who sells pop-corn as well. We bought the tickets, which look like some kind of cheap receipt, then we grabbed lunch and head for the shows.
Movie was okay, but what grabbed my attention more was the number of audience, as well as what kind of audience. Okay, to give credit to them, the show is 1pm on a Monday afternoon. But the numbers counted around 20, and most of them look like retired Malay uncles trying to fine some ways to spend their pension. Pathetic ain’t it? But according to my sis, during holidays and weekends the place is packed. I hope so, if not the only “hope” for modern “technology” to take over Alor Setar would fade away as like the rest, leaving it lagging behind its neighboring states once again in modernization.

My Sister
After sharing generally the incident which happened to my sister to my fellow CF committee members, I guessed many of them were wondering, why after informing them the seriousness of the case, 5 minutes later I was jumping up and down, smiling and greeting people as if my sister has strike lottery.
To tell the truth, it’s not because that I don’t really care, erm, alright, I don’t really care. Ha. My relationship with my sister is not close. Frankly speaking, I didn’t even talk to her personally about this incident as well. How ironic it is, where a CG coordinator, one who’s supposed make sure that the concerns and cares of every member is taken care of, don’t even give a donkey’s ass about his sister. Okay I’m exaggerating again. Here is why.
My sister is very unique. She’s three years older than me. Words can’t describe the character of my sis, but to me, she has a mentality of a form one kid. Maybe less. Nope, she’s not retard, but she lives in a world of her own, laughs only at her own jokes, and really blunt. Many a times she’s given my mom so much heartache, headache, whatever ache and eggs there is. It’s hard for her to think of other people’s needs, yeah sometimes she does, but usually she just likes to take care of herself. She has no sense of fashion or self beauty, until my mom had train her. Because of this, mom had to train her to follow certain routines from young, so now routines has been indirectly integrated into her memory, so much so the word “ flexibility” does not exist in her vocabulary.
It is hard for me to love her. I admit and confess. It’s not that I hate her, it’s just hard for me to love her. Since young I had no one to look up to, in fact sometimes mom make me an example for her. She was never really the “ Tai Ka Cher” I longed for. My brother, now a little more mature, has come to understand this. And to us, sometimes she’s just a nuisance around. She doesn’t understand giving way to others, once she’s set on something, she wants it. Full stop. Dead end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about some sort of zeal to exceed to achieve a life-time dream. She doesn’t know what that means either. Haha. Just simple things, like insisting a certain tv channel, or going somewhere.
I often question God why has He placed her into our family. Mom shared with me she also asked the same question. But later mom shared that God has placed her in the place where she will be loved most. Hmm, maybe by mom. Haha. But its true, perhaps she wouldn’t receive more love and care from other families. Of all of us, mom is really the ever protecting arm that has been placed above her head since the day she was born. Mom is the one who took painstaking steps to make sure she has a degree, come out with a decent job, contribute to society. It has, always, and still is mom who my sister needs.
Why am I telling this? This is because one day there would be no more mom around. Then what? Am I supposed to love her then? Am I suppose to care for her? Every time I come back, I’ve barely spoken more than 20 words to her. Every time I ask her how’s work, she would just look at me bluntly and say “ ok.” She’s just happy to live life the same way it is until her last breathe.
Mom has asked me personally to take care of my siblings once there’re gone. My bro, no problem. My sis, big problem. That’s why I might need friends to help me then. I need God to help me. Loving someone doesn’t come so easily as “ Angkat, tolak, masuk, picit.” Okay it can be, but it’s a different scenario for my sister.
Wow, this is a long one. Probably due to the fact that I’m typing on Microsoft Word, alone in my air-conned room, using my father’s laptop. Bottom line, loving my sis? I need help. Dead end. Full stop.

Cheerios.

Familiar Grounds

Happy Father's Day. It's been really a long time since i celebrated Father's Day back home..in fact so long i can't even remember when was the last time i did it...a bit upset now to learn that from now both matches that are played daily will be played the same time...means can't watch 2 games now...only 1..sheesh..

Church. Going back to church always always spark thoughts in my head...mebe its a sort of benchmark for me everytime i go back to church..anyways..some interesting things happen today...as usual i walk into our church today...and after greeting the ushers and all..i proceed to my usual sitting "position" for the past 10 years..the last row behind..keke....thing is...this time there's no "kaki" sitting there. usually one of my friends would be already sitting there....and we always "dominate" the back seat..me and my church "gang"...somehow when i reached there..there was no one. no a single old friend of mine. seems like ALL of them are studying somewhere already. usually there would still be some form 6 friends of mine. but now, there is nobody. it has finally arrived for me. the time has finally come where ALL of my friends have moved on. in some ways i felt happy for them, yet disappointed that i had to come back to church where the only ppl i talk to are the aunties and uncles around, who always have no other question to ask me other than" Joshua, got girl friend already or not?" ...with mixed emotions, i went to sit with my family for a church service, something which i last did when i was 13. to continue, i wouldn't want to comment on other things about my church, but i'll drop a hint, i had to constantly remind myself to focus on God, not my church, if u know wat i mean...Speaker was good, Ps Steven Low...talked on Father's Day..which is where i'm heading..


Ah Pa's Day. Parents give unconditionally. Since the first time we breathed in the air of the this world, our parents are the ones who were giving evreything they have to us. As we grow up, there will come a day where we wil be the ones to give back to our parents. after receiving so much love, it is time that we love our parents back. I realise that moms and dads are humans as well, and that sometimes in order for them to continue with life, they need us to love them too. I'm not good at expressing love towards my parents, especially my dad. i don't think i've said " I love you mom,or dad" to my parents before...its not that i don love them, its jz that its hard for me to do it.The only thing i could do is the obey them, and to do the things that pleases them.

A Tribute to my Dad.
This is a tribute to my father. My father had a hard life when he was young. Born the youngest in a family of 6, my father did not have the dominant and leadership roles since young...age gap was quite big between him and his other siblings..so i guess my dad didn't really bond wif some other siblings...Growing up in Mentakap ( I think)...my grandad actually had a some of money..i heard..he's from china... i think my grandad had some land also...but somehow he gambled it away....and that's how they ended up rearing pigs and planting vegetables. EVeryday my dad had to cycle to hotels and places to pick up leftoever food to rear pigs. and my dad said he cycled to school, around 4 kilometres since standard 1 to form 6. my grandad was a harsh man as well. when one of my dad's siblings get into his wrong books, all of them will face the rod. Anyways, to cut the history short, my dad worked his way into UM, met my mom and here i am.

My dad at first had difficulty loving us, as in me and my siblings. its because of the treatment he had from his dad, it was hard for him to love us in another way. but somehow he changed, of i should say God changed him...in a marvelous way. My father is a quiet man, patient and very, very disciplined. something which i hoped...or rather He hoped would instill into me..heheh...my father's life goes with the clock. if its 1pm, its lunch time, if its 3pm, time to mark papers, even if the sky falls down. which is one of the reasons why my dad could wake up at 6am every morning to do his devotion, and to pray for our family. this is one thing i really admire of my dad. without fail. even when we go for holidays, by 6,7am i would see my dad sitting in front of the bible. which is why he has found favour in God in some ways i guess. I read from Proverbs that day that the we gain the favor of God and man by "faithfulness and obedience". Since small dad always make sure that i'm rooted in the word of God. I remember the feeling towards my dad when i was a little kid. to me, my father knows EVERYTHING. he's the walking encyclopedia. that's y i guess dad got a little annoyed wif me cos i kept bombarding him with any questions that comes to my mind, wether good wans or stupid, lame ones. I love cuddling wif my dad more than my mom...i dunno why...and i pulled his leg hair everytime..NOW i know why he always ask me not to do that..heheh...

well, i guess i've said a lot about my dad now. I thank God for giving him to me, and to my familiy. I wouldn't really trade it with other dads...sometimes i get puzzled as how could my mom and dad get together since they are so different in personalities...heheh..mebe its a hint that i should find someone diff personaly from mine? =))

Cheerios.

HOME


Blogging shall now resume due to excessive free time in the place where time seems to stand still, Alor Setar.


Here i am now, blogging at home now...Blogging seems like more fun when i do it at home, mebe its becos there are less distractions...dunno...anyways...i have only 23 more mins to blog, before the next match starts. i guess i'll be pretty much blogging the same time everyday ya...hahaha..here we go.

Took my trip back to AS today. Met a friend at the bus stop, where i was taking to KLIA transit station.not really a friend even i guess, i only met her once during lab i came late, saw that she had no lab partner and had no choice but to join her...she smiled at me, i grinned back...soon we were talking throughout in the bus all the way to KLIA. talked about our course, uni life and even our families...funny...at the end i didn't even know her name. hahaha...

As i was on my way back, other than chit-chatting wif my friend...erm..the girl...i was on my own most of the time. i had a lot of time to do some pondering....i tot of Home. as in....what is a Home? why do ppl go to such great lengths to go back? the girl was taking a flight back to Miri.its RM 300. y am i taking so much trouble to come back? i started thinking...and i came to a conclusion...that Home is not so much of our location, or our house..its our family.Its the people. Home is where if even the world hates u and doesn't accept you, there are still ppl who loves you. Home is where when u have failed in all things, there are still ppl who believes and still have faith in you. Home is where you are showered with blessings and love ever since the first day you were born.I'm talking about a healthy family here lar, not a broken wan. anyways to continue, i found out that many ppl or friends that i know of, always "go back home to take a break". why need to go back home to do it? that's because home is also a place of temporal seperation from the worries and burdens of the world...going back home jz makes u forget all ur responsibilities and burdens, to let go of all ur worries and cares. its where ppl always "recharge". ppl say" I miss home." actually it means " I miss all the love and care from home." yeah....so i really thank God i have a home to come back to. thank God i grow up in a place where i don dread going home. and it's a lesson for me, to build exactly, or even better, the same thing when i have a familiy of my own later.

oops. time's up. Holland vs Czech Republic.

Cheerios.

-Blogging will be temporary suspended due to Euro 2004, mebe when i reach home.-

Live to Love


Just finished a conversation with a good sister of mine...She just lost her uncle which she loved very much...and on top of having to bear with the news and death...the thing that makes it harder for her to go on..is that she found out that during times of need..during her darkest night...suddenly she found that friends who were there with her have gone...some even opt not find out what has happen..despite seeing her red eyes and puffed cheeks..friends of whom she spent her time caring and loving have not shown back the same thing she has invested so much of her time and effort in...things like that makes it harder to go on...and i didn't mention it just now...but i guess sometimes being a low-profile person also makes it harder for ppl to take notice of you...i'm not saying low-profile is a bad thing....i'm saying why are the low-profile people being neglected?



All i could do jz now was just to listen...listen to the disappointments poured out...listen to the doubts..the frustrations...the heartaches..i wish i could do something...i wish i could walk the road with the person...i wish i could bear some of the burden so that it won't be so heavy...and i have a feeling that i would be experiencing this for the whole year...as in my current ministry...i found out during a presonality test during retreat that i am an encourager. But how do i do it? how do i give certain words to ppl that will lift their spirits? how do i give words to ppl that will help them face their challenges with more confidence? it jz dawn upon me....it is not me who's the one who gives this words..it is the Holy Spirit...i need to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit..listen to the words that I need to catch...

Caring for one another. Living to love. what's the use of memorizing verses when we don't do it? our previous wan talks about helping one another when one falls down...First..we need to identify who are the ones in need..look around us....not everybody is having a gala time....2ndly caring for ppl needs effort...it is easy to jz pass that fella by...jz say hi and walk away....3rdly we need to pray for them...not only that day by try to do it everyday till everything turns out fine.


Don't feel like blogging now. ciao first.

Cheerios.